Cash Heavy Industries Declares
“It’s War!” on Japanese Trademark Squatters
Cash Heavy Industries announces that it has filed a trademark suit in the Central District of California, Los Angeles Division, against both Fuji Heavy Industries, Co., Ltd. and Mitsubishi Heavy Industries, Ltd. (Japan). CHI seeks compensatory damages, punitive damages, treble damages, aggravated damages, and whimsical damages, plus attorney fees in the amount of 40%.
As CHI’s loyal customers have known since 2007, the phrase “Heavy Industries” when used as a piece of nonsensical wordage is a registered service mark of Cash Heavy Industries. CHI’s General Counsel Vlad Smith stated: “We have heard from customers and others that Fuji’s and Mitsubishi’s use of our mark ‘Heavy Industries’ is confusing to the public and potential future customers. Therefore we have filed suit to invalidate these marks.”
At press time, shares in CHI were down slightly on the OTC Pink Sheets.
CHI suffers no one easily and remains resolute in the face of logic.
Cash Heavy Industries, a leader in the travel-consuming industry, announces an exciting partnership with Uber. The new joint venture, dubbed UberONE, will have significant worst-mover market position.
Uber’s famous platform connects drivers with riders and encourages each party to rate the other. As is well known, Uber routinely expels the lowest-performing drivers and most obnoxious riders from its platform. This offers the promise of better experiences for those still using Uber.
“But that’s where we saw an opportunity,” says D. Barrett, Vice-President of Travel-Consuming Services, based at CHI’s Lakeshore Labs. “The one-star rider and driver still have a niche to fill in the transportion ecosystem. UberONE is that niche.”
Here’s how it works:
- One-star riders and drivers are drubbed off of the Uber platform by universal rejection and loathing.
- A few days after standard Uber service is suspended, the user will receive a push notification inviting him or her to join UberONE, the community for other one-star citizens.
- From there, riders who fart or won’t stop talking about blood on the phone may request rides from drivers who are continually “8 minutes away and headed right to you,” drivers with broken seat belts, and any regular Chicago taxi driver. (“We decided the typical taxi experience fit in with our UberONE offering from the start,” said Barrett.)
The platform will also attempt to connect riders and drivers who have similar interests. For example, riders who have previously vomited in an Uber vehicle will be paired with drivers who have multiple DUIs, and professional football players will be paired with drivers who really like you and want to get your number.
UberONE will be available later this summer.
UberONE follows on the heels of CHI’s successful Overland Transport expansion (“CHI: We’ll take your load!”), which now operates at major air terminals across the Eastern U.S.