Category Archives: Financial Results

Final Update on Lakeshore Labs Disaster

The surviving quorum of the Company’s Board of Directors approved the following actions at an emergency board meeting today in the floating city of New Chicago:

  • As compensation, CHI will open a school for the newly blind at the perimeter of the exclusion zone.
  • CHI intends to seek federal patent protection for any pharmacologically active New Molecular Entities (NMEs) created in the incident.  CHI anticipates donating these patents to the newly-created Wrigleyville’s Future Fund to assist any future residents affected by birth defects (including limb reduction).
  • As soon as is feasible, CHI intends to update its Q4’14 EPS guidance to reflect tax implications of claims filed under the Price-Anderson Nuclear Industries Indemnity Act.
  • CHI announced its intent to withdraw as a sponsor of the 2015 Macy’s Flower Show.

“Our Company’s long-term stability was not affected by these events,” commented CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton.  “In fact, because we can deduct emergency service provision as a charitable contribution to the community, and given vastly reduced post-disaster property taxes on our Lakeshore Labs facility, our FY’13 outlook may actually have been enhanced.”  Details of CHI’s financial performance are available at the Investor Relations page on CHI’s web site.

CHI separately announced that the bus was not significantly damaged and will be returned to service following standard decontamination procedures.

Cash Heavy Industries operates in 24 countries worldwide but this statement does not constitute consent to CHI’s consent to legal jurisdiction in any particular judicial forum.  CHI’s remaining scientists, innovators, and lawyers are proud to serve the communities in which they live.

CHI to License Sanrio’s Exciting “Hello Kitty” Characters for FY 2014 SEC Filings

Cash Heavy Industries’ Investor Relations Bureau announces that it has licensed Hello Kitty and all her adorable friends — including Pochacco, the excitable spacedog who probably pees a lot — for use in CHI’s upcoming filings with the United States Securities Exchange Commission.  Cash Heavy Industries’ financial year begins October 1.

“In order to brand-align our 10-K and other public filings, Cash Heavy Industries has decided to license the entire Sanrio family for use in its regulatory filings,” commented CHI’s manager for Investor Relations-United States, Chad 2.  “CHI has always operated under an interpretation of SEC regulations that is fanciful, colorful, and cuddly — just like Hello Kitty herself!  Ms. Kitty’s fun-spirited nature will communicate to the regulatory authorities our ‘fun’ take on our numbers.  And the cute spacedog is just adorably distracting!”

The cost of this licensing arrangement was not announced, but is expected to be both exorbitant and buried in completely not-fraudulent 10-K reports to the SEC.

CHI trades on Pink Sheets OTC markets everywhere.

CHI Consolidates Lending Facilities

CHI consolidates financial position; terminates credit facility with Citibank

CHI recently engaged in a top-to-bottom review of its revolving lending facilities.  The Company’s relationship with American Express was recently affirmed and a line of credit was further extended, given the Company’s generally positive outlook in a GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles) basis going forward.

However, CHI decided to end its relationship with Citibank, N.A. of South Dakota.  “I want to thank Citibank for their past 18 years of support for CHI’s operations,” commented CHI Chief Financial Officer Mark Crorigan “Unfortunately, Citibank’s debt offerings no longer fit into CHI‘s portfolio.”  A Citibank spokesperson was unavailable to comment for this story, but Citibank has expressed its interest in working with CHI in the future.

No material impact on Q3’14 earnings is expected.