Category Archives: Apex Airways

CHI Announces Airline Writeoff

Cash Heavy Industries Exits Airline Business

Company could not survive swat from heavy hand of North Dakota municipal worker

After launching one of the fastest-growing no-cost carriers (NCCs) in the United States, building an award-winning frequent flyer program, forging promotional relationships with VISA, Domino’s Pizza, and Service Corporation International, all on an investment of over 7.0 CF, Cash Heavy Industries announces the merger of Apex Airways to United Continental Holdings, Inc. and the substantial write-down of all shareholder value associated with this asset.

The Domino's Cinna Stix promotion—one of Apex's most popular ever
The Domino’s Cinna Stix promotion—one of Apex’s most popular ever

Apex flew high and strong, but pretty short. CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton noted, “No other carrier made such a little go a very long way.” Apex’s regulation-light, asset-light, reality-light, revenue-zero approach to business operations changed the face of flying.

Apex brought its unique brand of flying to an incalculable number of passengers. And Apex received accolades from around the world. Apex was featured in the official blog of Springfield/Branson National Airport.

Minot's initial favorable response to Apex.
Minot’s initial favorable response to Apex.

Apex also received kudos from an apparently-now-terminated social media manager at Minot International Airport (see screenshot at right). Unfortunately, Apex was driven out of business by a cease-and-desist e-mail sent by Andrew Solsvig, Minot’s humorless airport director. Mr. Solsvig wrote, “I don’t find [Apex’s operations] amusing.”

Minot International Airport had refused to offer any promotional support or financial incentives, despite a gusher of federal dollars flowing into the region’s collapsing economy. The loss of any support from one of Apex’s hometown hubs led to the demise of the carrier. Connecting bus service from Minot-SUX (Sioux City) never left the gate.

CHI will absorb the entire value of Apex Airways, including legal, promotional, operational, catering, and security expenses, by taking a one-time 7.24 CF write-down against FY’16 earnings.

Did you know? CHI is an innovator in pet leasing. Need a dog or cat for less than a lifetime? Try CHI’s Instapets service. CHI: our surrenders leave scars that harden for decades.

CHI Announces New Subsidiary: Apex Airways

Apex Airways Takes to the Skies
People on the ground check flight paths in terror

Cash Heavy Industries — now the third-largest global conglomerate of its type — is proud to announce its newest corporate venture, Apex Airways.

“Apex Airways is the global carrier that touches you personally,” said CHI’s vice-president of transport services, Lester Turow. “With Apex, CHI’s sinewy tentacles extend even further across the globe.”

Minot CentralApex Airways provides air travel across the world using its two centrally-located United States hubs. Its foreign codeshare and alliance partners provide the muscle to get Apex customers into those hard-to-reach places.

CHI investors will find much to like about the Apex philosophy. Apex is segmenting the market into tinier and tinier pieces. Apex just launched MiddleClass — a product that’s an instant hit with our aspirational customers. MiddleClass offers an all-middle seats product at a premium price. “Our ultimate goal with market segmentation is to offer a different, profitable price point for every single seat on the plane. We are also experimenting with segmenting individual seats, for those customers who do not need to purchase an entire seat,” said Turow. “Fractional seat ownership is the next great wave, and Apex Airways is surfing that wave right to the top!”

Another differentiator for Apex is its absence from staid, traditional airline organizations like Airlines for America (A4A), the IATA, the ICAO, the Federal Aviation Administration, the Internal Revenue Service, and others. Apex believes its customers appreciate its “regulation-light” approach to air travel. Why should customers pay for government services they do not use? Turow: “Spirit isn’t the only air carrier chafing at the strain of government regulation. But Apex is the only carrier that does something about it — passing the savings on to customers.”

Apex Airways aspires to be an “always-on” brand. You can reach Apex on all of its customer channels: the Apex Airways web site, @ApexAirways on Twitter, on Facebook as Apex Airways, or by using a Touch-Tone-compatible phone on its fully automated phone line, 844-400-APEX (2739).

So fly over to the new Apex Airways sites and learn where Apex will be taking you!

Certain forward-looking statements of Cash Heavy Industries may be present in this posting but this is to be expected as CHI never looks back. CHI bears no shame for its history. All that can be expected is the remorseless swing of the Grim Reaper’s scythe. CHI. CHI. CHI. It is inevitable.