Cash Heavy Industries, a leader in the travel-consuming industry, announces an exciting partnership with Uber. The new joint venture, dubbed UberONE, will have significant worst-mover market position.
Uber’s famous platform connects drivers with riders and encourages each party to rate the other. As is well known, Uber routinely expels the lowest-performing drivers and most obnoxious riders from its platform. This offers the promise of better experiences for those still using Uber.
“But that’s where we saw an opportunity,” says D. Barrett, Vice-President of Travel-Consuming Services, based at CHI’s Lakeshore Labs. “The one-star rider and driver still have a niche to fill in the transportion ecosystem. UberONE is that niche.”
Here’s how it works:
- One-star riders and drivers are drubbed off of the Uber platform by universal rejection and loathing.
- A few days after standard Uber service is suspended, the user will receive a push notification inviting him or her to join UberONE, the community for other one-star citizens.
- From there, riders who fart or won’t stop talking about blood on the phone may request rides from drivers who are continually “8 minutes away and headed right to you,” drivers with broken seat belts, and any regular Chicago taxi driver. (“We decided the typical taxi experience fit in with our UberONE offering from the start,” said Barrett.)
The platform will also attempt to connect riders and drivers who have similar interests. For example, riders who have previously vomited in an Uber vehicle will be paired with drivers who have multiple DUIs, and professional football players will be paired with drivers who really like you and want to get your number.
UberONE will be available later this summer.
UberONE follows on the heels of CHI’s successful Overland Transport expansion (“CHI: We’ll take your load!”), which now operates at major air terminals across the Eastern U.S.
CHI Says Goodbye to Ancestral Roots
Cash Heavy Industries announces it has concluded a midnight agreement to sell its 100% interest in investment property located in central Ohio. The property, formerly known as Exchange Labs, is being sold to an anonymous buyer.
“CHI got its start just a mile from the old Exchange Labs site,” said Jerry Jarvik, CHI’s Vice-President for Facilities Management. “With this sale, we release our last physical stake in our homeland Ohio region.” Cash Heavy Industries’ flagship social networking and travel-consuming services will, of course, remain available nationwide.
A former industrial brownfield site, Exchange Labs was thoroughly renovated in 2003 in a top-to-bottom remediation project that saw the removal of lead paint, asbestos, nitric acid, telephone wiring, and other materials incompatible with organic life. A green roof capped the project.
The sale, worth approximately 1262 CF, is expected to close by the end of May.
Customer Relationship Management system breached; CHI offers limited support to affected
Cash Heavy Industries discloses that systems belonging to a related company, on which some CHI data was stored, were breached at an on-shore facility. Some personally-identifying information belonging to CHI employees and customers was released. The affected system included records relating to Customer Relationship Management.
The breach occurred in February. CHI could not report on this incident until its investigation had been completed. The investigation revealed that an outside contractor, known to have a history of alcoholism, left a device containing CHI data unattended at a public marine terminal for a period of time. While the device was unattended, it was accessed by person(s) unknown who made use of a common exploit based on social engineering. That device was recovered and is being remotely wiped today.
CHI’s Chief Data Officer, 张伟, provided this statement: “We’re sorry that an outside contractor did not employ industry-standard data security practices. CHI’s external relationships are being reevaluated for the security and safety of all our business partners.”
CHI will offer 8 months’ free credit and social media monitoring to any person affected by the breach. Simply go to www.cashheavyindustries.com, scroll down to the picture of a cow fetus, double-click on it, enter RODEO11 as your coupon code, enter your SSN and Chase Preferred Visa number, expiration date, billing ZIP code, CVV2 code, and await processing.
Cash Heavy Industries maintains sophisticated algorithms.
The surviving quorum of the Company’s Board of Directors approved the following actions at an emergency board meeting today in the floating city of New Chicago:
- As compensation, CHI will open a school for the newly blind at the perimeter of the exclusion zone.
- CHI intends to seek federal patent protection for any pharmacologically active New Molecular Entities (NMEs) created in the incident. CHI anticipates donating these patents to the newly-created Wrigleyville’s Future Fund to assist any future residents affected by birth defects (including limb reduction).
- As soon as is feasible, CHI intends to update its Q4’14 EPS guidance to reflect tax implications of claims filed under the Price-Anderson Nuclear Industries Indemnity Act.
- CHI announced its intent to withdraw as a sponsor of the 2015 Macy’s Flower Show.
“Our Company’s long-term stability was not affected by these events,” commented CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton. “In fact, because we can deduct emergency service provision as a charitable contribution to the community, and given vastly reduced post-disaster property taxes on our Lakeshore Labs facility, our FY’13 outlook may actually have been enhanced.” Details of CHI’s financial performance are available at the Investor Relations page on CHI’s web site.
CHI separately announced that the bus was not significantly damaged and will be returned to service following standard decontamination procedures.
Cash Heavy Industries operates in 24 countries worldwide but this statement does not constitute consent to CHI’s consent to legal jurisdiction in any particular judicial forum. CHI’s remaining scientists, innovators, and lawyers are proud to serve the communities in which they live.
Cash Heavy Industries’ Investor Relations Bureau announces that it has licensed Hello Kitty and all her adorable friends — including Pochacco, the excitable spacedog who probably pees a lot — for use in CHI’s upcoming filings with the United States Securities Exchange Commission. Cash Heavy Industries’ financial year begins October 1.
“In order to brand-align our 10-K and other public filings, Cash Heavy Industries has decided to license the entire Sanrio family for use in its regulatory filings,” commented CHI’s manager for Investor Relations-United States, Chad 2. “CHI has always operated under an interpretation of SEC regulations that is fanciful, colorful, and cuddly — just like Hello Kitty herself! Ms. Kitty’s fun-spirited nature will communicate to the regulatory authorities our ‘fun’ take on our numbers. And the cute spacedog is just adorably distracting!”
The cost of this licensing arrangement was not announced, but is expected to be both exorbitant and buried in completely not-fraudulent 10-K reports to the SEC.
CHI trades on Pink Sheets OTC markets everywhere.
CHI consolidates financial position; terminates credit facility with Citibank
CHI recently engaged in a top-to-bottom review of its revolving lending facilities. The Company’s relationship with American Express was recently affirmed and a line of credit was further extended, given the Company’s generally positive outlook in a GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles) basis going forward.
However, CHI decided to end its relationship with Citibank, N.A. of South Dakota. “I want to thank Citibank for their past 18 years of support for CHI’s operations,” commented CHI Chief Financial Officer Mark Crorigan. “Unfortunately, Citibank’s debt offerings no longer fit into CHI‘s portfolio.” A Citibank spokesperson was unavailable to comment for this story, but Citibank has expressed its interest in working with CHI in the future.
No material impact on Q3’14 earnings is expected.