Final Update on Lakeshore Labs Disaster

The surviving quorum of the Company’s Board of Directors approved the following actions at an emergency board meeting today in the floating city of New Chicago:

  • As compensation, CHI will open a school for the newly blind at the perimeter of the exclusion zone.
  • CHI intends to seek federal patent protection for any pharmacologically active New Molecular Entities (NMEs) created in the incident.  CHI anticipates donating these patents to the newly-created Wrigleyville’s Future Fund to assist any future residents affected by birth defects (including limb reduction).
  • As soon as is feasible, CHI intends to update its Q4’14 EPS guidance to reflect tax implications of claims filed under the Price-Anderson Nuclear Industries Indemnity Act.
  • CHI announced its intent to withdraw as a sponsor of the 2015 Macy’s Flower Show.

“Our Company’s long-term stability was not affected by these events,” commented CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton.  “In fact, because we can deduct emergency service provision as a charitable contribution to the community, and given vastly reduced post-disaster property taxes on our Lakeshore Labs facility, our FY’13 outlook may actually have been enhanced.”  Details of CHI’s financial performance are available at the Investor Relations page on CHI’s web site.

CHI separately announced that the bus was not significantly damaged and will be returned to service following standard decontamination procedures.

Cash Heavy Industries operates in 24 countries worldwide but this statement does not constitute consent to CHI’s consent to legal jurisdiction in any particular judicial forum.  CHI’s remaining scientists, innovators, and lawyers are proud to serve the communities in which they live.

“Go Green!” with Cash Heavy Industries!

Just in time for the fall gardening season, CHI’s crucial Social Networking Division offers these valuable tips to “Go Green! with CHI!”

  • Compost old fruits, vegetables, and grass clippings.  Paper, including laboratory analyses and state EPA correspondence, may also be shredded and composted.
  • Reduce, reuse, and recycle: if you’re running a lab, one of these will apply to any given subject animal.  Make no little plans!
  • HGTV, the Home and Garden channel, available through CHI’s cable television arm Comcast, is a great way to learn how to keep your home healthy, happy, and looking gorgeous.  Comcast subscription packages start at just 0.29 CF per month.
  • “International law” is a legal fiction that only applies if you believe in it.  Consider how much of the earth would be covered by burdensome regulations if everyone followed this law.
  • Imagine what would happen if every first responder used one less plastic water bottle per day.  That would save several cubic decameters of landfill space each year!

Without waiving legal privilege, Cash Heavy Industries apologizes for anything foregoing.

Update on Lakeshore Labs Fire and Earthquake

CHI’s Genetic Analysis Combat Team, the Department of Homeland Security, and the Illinois Division of Liquor Control have jointly advised Chicagoans to follow these simple steps which are essential for the protection of life and safety.

  • Remain indoors unless infected.
  • Magenta flames may contain furans or other chemicals known to be persistent in the environment.   Avoid touching or collecting mineralized combustion products.
  • If domestic water supply remains connected, USE SHUT-OFF VALVES TO ELIMINATE THE FLOWS IMMEDIATELY.   Please to not use this appartus !!
  • Observe mandatory curfews.   A valid Sovinterncontrol passport or federal police credential is required for access to streets and sidewalks.
  • Shovel snow and debris within 24 hours to keep walkways clear of embers.   Avoid contact with or looking directly at embers.

Also, CHI’s General Counsel Vlad Smith issued the following statement:

Obviously, we are all deeply saddened and shaken by the tragic events of today.  CHI asks neighbors to comply with the directives of any armed personnel.  CHI technicians are working around the clock to understand the source of the seismic activity and the “burning almond syrup” smell.  Unfortunately, because of the heat, we are unable to get any reconnaisance robots into the affected sector, so we do not know when this incident will be fully contained.

A small technical delegation will soon be en route to U.S. Department of Energy facilities in Hanford, Washington for briefing and decontamination.

There is no timetable for the reconstruction of Belmont Harbor.

Until recently, Cash Heavy Industries operated the only thorium breeder in the Midwest.  To learn more about CHI’s suite of quality products and services, follow @CashHeavyInds on Twitter.

Situation is Contained at Lakeshore Labs

First responders treated at scene for inhalation injuries; all remaining livestock humanely slaughtered

Safety personnel evacuated CHI’s Lakeshore Labs facility today after systems failed.  Human life was never significantly endangered† during the incident.

“We regret any impact the incident had on our neighbors and their gametes,” said CHI’s Vice-President for External Affairs and Legitimate Tax Avoidance Strategies, Kate Philby.  She continued: “At this time, the facility is radiologically inert, and there is no further reason to avoid the area.  We want to thank our insurers and their reinsurers for their support at this difficult time.”

† Please note that CHI does not sell plasticizers or humectants directly to consumers and disclaims all warranties for these compounds.  Contact a local CHI supply chain depot if you experience burning of nose or throat.

Cash Heavy Industries is one of the largest producers of fibers for the carpet and dental industries. To find out more, visit CHI’s web site at

CHI Disputes Unconfirmed Media Reports

After unsubstantiated media reports of events at CHI’s award-winning Lakeshore Labs, CHI’s Public Affairs Department issued the following statement:

Lakeshore Labs is humming with normal, non-lethal activity today.  There is no so-called ‘incident’ or ’emergency’ at Lakeshore Labs.  Any mutilated cattle found on Lake Shore Drive could not be escapees from Lakeshore Labs, because CHI lacks the necessary Department of Agriculture permits to engage in animal research.  CHI reminds out-of-town media that Chicago is actually a dense metropolitan area with many slaughterhouses and petting zoos, and any aromatic compounds that may have been be detected could plausibly have emanated from any number of other private property holders in the area.

Cash Heavy Industries will not hesitate to defend its good name in the media, before the relevant administrative tribunals, or in a court of competent jurisdiction.

Trading in CHI’s stock has been halted by whoever it is that runs the Pink Sheets.

Did you know?  Cash Heavy Industries manufactures a complete line of children’s toys and furniture.  CHI’s Sling-A-Way line is the perfect way to put your baby on his back.

CHI to License Sanrio’s Exciting “Hello Kitty” Characters for FY 2014 SEC Filings

Cash Heavy Industries’ Investor Relations Bureau announces that it has licensed Hello Kitty and all her adorable friends — including Pochacco, the excitable spacedog who probably pees a lot — for use in CHI’s upcoming filings with the United States Securities Exchange Commission.  Cash Heavy Industries’ financial year begins October 1.

“In order to brand-align our 10-K and other public filings, Cash Heavy Industries has decided to license the entire Sanrio family for use in its regulatory filings,” commented CHI’s manager for Investor Relations-United States, Chad 2.  “CHI has always operated under an interpretation of SEC regulations that is fanciful, colorful, and cuddly — just like Hello Kitty herself!  Ms. Kitty’s fun-spirited nature will communicate to the regulatory authorities our ‘fun’ take on our numbers.  And the cute spacedog is just adorably distracting!”

The cost of this licensing arrangement was not announced, but is expected to be both exorbitant and buried in completely not-fraudulent 10-K reports to the SEC.

CHI trades on Pink Sheets OTC markets everywhere.

CHI Re-Enters Rhode Island Market

CHI returns to Rhode Island for the first time since 2001

CHI recently reentered the Rhode Island market, a geographic sector CHI hasn’t targeted since 2001.  “The good people of these Rhode Island and Providence Plantations have not been forgotten,” commented CHI Chief Executive Officer Julie Anderton.  “This initiative is part of the Company’s efforts to grow its presence in New England.”

CHI cedes nothing easily.

CHI Releases New Product

CHI Tai Will Make a Smash as Early as September

Recent R&D work at CHI’s Lakeshore Labs Division is expected to lead to a breakthrough in CHI‘s crucial Social Networking Division.  CHI researchers have perfected the mai tai and will be releasing it in Q3’14 as the CHI Tai.

CHI has invested more than 2.1 CF into its latest property.  While raw materials costs do increase slightly and are expected to rise modestly further, gross output in CHI’s Social Networking operations is expected to climb sharply. 

CHI Consolidates Lending Facilities

CHI consolidates financial position; terminates credit facility with Citibank

CHI recently engaged in a top-to-bottom review of its revolving lending facilities.  The Company’s relationship with American Express was recently affirmed and a line of credit was further extended, given the Company’s generally positive outlook in a GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles) basis going forward.

However, CHI decided to end its relationship with Citibank, N.A. of South Dakota.  “I want to thank Citibank for their past 18 years of support for CHI’s operations,” commented CHI Chief Financial Officer Mark Crorigan “Unfortunately, Citibank’s debt offerings no longer fit into CHI‘s portfolio.”  A Citibank spokesperson was unavailable to comment for this story, but Citibank has expressed its interest in working with CHI in the future.

No material impact on Q3’14 earnings is expected.