The surviving quorum of the Company’s Board of Directors approved the following actions at an emergency board meeting today in the floating city of New Chicago:

• As compensation, CHI will open a school for the newly blind at the perimeter of the exclusion zone.
• CHI intends to seek federal patent protection for any pharmacologically active New Molecular Entities (NMEs) created in the incident.  CHI anticipates donating these patents to the newly-created Wrigleyville’s Future Fund to assist any future residents affected by birth defects (including limb reduction).
• As soon as is feasible, CHI intends to update its Q4’14 EPS guidance to reflect tax implications of claims filed under the Price-Anderson Nuclear Industries Indemnity Act.
• CHI announced its intent to withdraw as a sponsor of the 2015 Macy’s Flower Show.

“Our Company’s long-term stability was not affected by these events,” commented CHI’s CEO Julie Anderton.  “In fact, because we can deduct emergency service provision as a charitable contribution to the community, and given vastly reduced post-disaster property taxes on our Lakeshore Labs facility, our FY’13 outlook may actually have been enhanced.”  Details of CHI’s financial performance are available at the Investor Relations page on CHI’s web site.

CHI separately announced that the bus was not significantly damaged and will be returned to service following standard decontamination procedures.

Cash Heavy Industries operates in 24 countries worldwide but this statement does not constitute consent to CHI’s consent to legal jurisdiction in any particular judicial forum.  CHI’s remaining scientists, innovators, and lawyers are proud to serve the communities in which they live.