After unsubstantiated media reports of events at CHI’s award-winning Lakeshore Labs, CHI’s Public Affairs Department issued the following statement:

Lakeshore Labs is humming with normal, non-lethal activity today.  There is no so-called ‘incident’ or ’emergency’ at Lakeshore Labs.  Any mutilated cattle found on Lake Shore Drive could not be escapees from Lakeshore Labs, because CHI lacks the necessary Department of Agriculture permits to engage in animal research.  CHI reminds out-of-town media that Chicago is actually a dense metropolitan area with many slaughterhouses and petting zoos, and any aromatic compounds that may have been be detected could plausibly have emanated from any number of other private property holders in the area.

Cash Heavy Industries will not hesitate to defend its good name in the media, before the relevant administrative tribunals, or in a court of competent jurisdiction.

Trading in CHI’s stock has been halted by whoever it is that runs the Pink Sheets.

Did you know?  Cash Heavy Industries manufactures a complete line of children’s toys and furniture.  CHI’s Sling-A-Way line is the perfect way to put your baby on his back.